Berlusconi "offers to resign, with conditions"

Holy Whores! A breaking news update on the NYTimes.com homepage regales me with this exciting information. Now, on to the list of Berlusconi's conditions:

1. Immunity forever, from everything, including the common flu.
2. Unlimited spray tans from Golden Tanning.
3. Lifetime supply of organ transplants.
4. Bring back Crystal Pepsi.
5. The remaining members of Ghedafi's female bodyguard corps and his old Ukrainian nurse--nursing duty actually required. Those stool softeners are going to insert themselves.
6. Most importantly, Herman Cain's old job as head of the National Restaurant Association.

Herman Cain and Berlusconi would probably hit it off.